Thursday, May 30, 2013

Visit From An Old Friend

The past few days have been a bit of a struggle for me. It started out promising. I joined a community of fellow bloggers and I had hopes of expanding my viewership. Then it happened. I started reading the other blogs. Oh my were they good!! My old friend self doubt started to creep in. I thought I had banished him for good but he started reading those blogs over my shoulder and guess what he said?

"You are not a writer at all! These girls really have it going on!"

"Who do you think you are even thinking that anyone wants to read your blogs?"

"These girls are so much younger than you and yet they really know how to express themselves!"

"You need to just give up blogging and just go to work at the Post Office and forget all this other stuff! No one is interested in what you do! People who know you know that you are nothing but a Post Office clerk!"

I could go on. He had been talking to me since I understood language so we have been very well acquainted over the years. I thought we had parted company. I had him banished, so I thought. But his voice had changed over the years, and I guess I didn't recognize him at first.

It didn't help that my tarot card for yesterday was the "star"

The star card of the tarot is the card of.. "you will eventually get what you want, but not today.."

It is a card of hope. It is still night, but this card tells you to keep going. Keep watering your plants. Like the magi who followed the star to the Messiah, the star tells you to follow your dreams, but it is still sometime in the future before you will get what you want. The last time I drew this card was the day I was going to West Virginia to get my license to perform wedding ceremonies there. I pulled the star and I knew it was not going to happen that day. But soon.

However, when self doubt is already talking to me in his disguised voice, the star card was just telling me that "it ain't gonna happen today, honey."

So last night in my pile of pity poop, I was having second thoughts. My old bedfellow self doubt had me almost convinced that I had nothing to offer the world. It sure would be a whole lot easier just to get up everyday and just go to work and come home. Go to the gym, come home, drink my glass of wine and go to bed.

Yes, I allowed myself to wallow for just a bit. And then, laying in my bed, it occurred to me. This is my life and I get to decide! I have every right to just throw in the towel, go to bed, forget all the "stuff" I do, all the "stuff" I hear, all the "stuff" I want to do. Wouldn't my old friend self doubt just love me then! Of course, then his job would be done. If I am never trying to do anything, there is nothing to doubt myself about. If I never try then I don't have to worry about will I ever get there!

So this morning I got up and my card was the magician..

I have done a study of how the tarot and your birthdate correlate to one another and this is my birth card. This card is all about manifesting. In this card we have references to all the other cards. Within this card is the ability to create anything you desire. So essentially, my Tarot Guides were telling me..

"Yes Joy, you get to decide. You can create a life just going to your regular job and  you will be okay. But is that what is going to bring you joy?"

"It is time for you to decide what you want and stop looking at who is already doing it and whether or not they are doing it better than you. Stop comparing yourself to others. Get up off your pity party ass and get back to work!"

So once again, I have banished my old friend self doubt. I am sure he will peek back in from time to time. Apparently according to my astrology chart he is in for the long haul. But I have remembered my purpose and I am once again in the drivers seat. I am the creator of my life.

This somewhat long blog is my confession about my battles with an old friend/enemy: self-doubt. I call him my friend because he is my teacher. I learn about myself when I notice him whispering in my ear. I don't think he really means me harm. He is just trying to protect me from my other friend/slash enemy "rejection"... yes we are friends from way back too.

Just for today, make friends with your enemies. Allow them to show you what you don't want so you can go after what you do want. Recognize that they really are just trying to protect you. They will not go away without some action on your part. The neat thing is, you get to decide. You are the magician of  your life as well. What have you decided to create?

Here are some links to a few of those amazing blogs that blew me away...

My discovery and remembrance is that there is enough abundance in the Universe that all of us can express our own most wonderful versions of our lives and our experiences with Spirit  and that there will always be enough abundance left to go around! We are each responsible for creating the life that we desire and just because there is someone out there who is doing something wonderful, and maybe better than you, is no reason to doubt yourself or your dreams! Keep going forward!! We are all in this together!

I want to start with my BFF's blog for all of you animal lovers out there and then from there the blogs from the recent group I just joined. I hope I got you all.. if not then I will get to your link on the next go round...


  1. Joy, I was reminded of another writer who was just a postal clerk once... Charles Bukowski. I don't think there is anyone out there who hasn't been haunted by self-doubt, and from comparing ourselves to others, but cheers to you for realizing that it is your own joy and happiness from what you do that is most important. And that the universe is abundant and we all have our own path and our own audience. We learn, grow, and develop our voice and skills by doing. I know I am still honing mine! Thanks for sharing my blog link too!!

  2. Beautiful Shana and Joy! I loved your post Joy and know that we all have to start somewhere. Even the blog star Leonie didn't always write the way she writes now. I think it takes time to find our voice and get comfortable with writing from our hearts when we aren't even sure whose reading our articles :) You're doing great! Danielle Dove at (babymama is my blog for when I was pregnitos)

  3. Congratulations to you for using your self-doubt to recommit to what you know to be true - that you're a great writer, and even if other people write great stuff, you are their peer! xx